Ode to the Face Book
by Anonymous
Issue date: 2/20/02 Section: Humor
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It seemed like just yesterday we received those words of wisdom at JOE. The face book was not merely a student directory, but also a source of entertainment and ridicule not to mention a powerful hook-up tool (your dogface is in there too Mr. Second Year). Lord knows how many times I raced home from BiBi's and grabbed the face book, trying desperately to put a name to the face I just spent 2 hours hitting on, only to find the new love of my life right next to her husband. But wait…maybe they're brother and sister, maybe it's just coincidence they have the same last name, or maybe they have a very open relationship and I should keep the dream alive. These thoughts go racing through my head as I contemplate the late night dial only to realize phone numbers are not listed.
In addition to digits, there are other ways it could be improved. I think it would be useful to pan down on the photos for full disclosure (preferably naked, I have nothing to hide). It would also be nice if we finally got a complete version. I'm living dangerously having to cautiously reach across my new sleepover partner to grab the face book. I silently leaf through, looking for her name, only to realize I can't find her picture. Which one of these "No Photo Available" is she? Is she Gal? Wait, I don't even know if Gal is a boy or a girl? Who could she be? Is she even in the Johnson School? I'll just mumble a few names while I stroke her lovely hair and see what kind of response I get.
How about putting the face book online? That way I can do some prescreening to narrow down my lucky prospects. This could have the added benefit of being updated in real time as relationships come and go, reputations build, and bodies take a turn for the worse.
The information currently provided is useless. Do I really care where someone went to school or worked? Do I care what someone looked like at their high school graduation or before they lost their hair and gave up on fitness? Let's reveal the real us, not this façade we put on to get into Camp Cornell. I want to know about you, the true you, the one that goes out and drinks, the one that slurs and leans on me as you beg me to spot you for one more round. I need pertinent information. Can you get me a job? Are you available? Do you have better-looking friends you could set me up with who are available? And at the end of the day, what it really comes down to are your guns and skill set. What are you bringing to the table? Will I have to take all the initiative or are you a frisky little kitty?
I don't mean to complain because it has been useful, though one thing has been bugging me. What are those asterisks for? Do they designate "special" kids? Are they desperately looking for wuv? Or are they damaged goods carrying some baggage that I should get the inside scoop on from Shelbi before pursuing?
Oh, and for those of you with the stretched faces, sorry but sucks to be you.
In addition to digits, there are other ways it could be improved. I think it would be useful to pan down on the photos for full disclosure (preferably naked, I have nothing to hide). It would also be nice if we finally got a complete version. I'm living dangerously having to cautiously reach across my new sleepover partner to grab the face book. I silently leaf through, looking for her name, only to realize I can't find her picture. Which one of these "No Photo Available" is she? Is she Gal? Wait, I don't even know if Gal is a boy or a girl? Who could she be? Is she even in the Johnson School? I'll just mumble a few names while I stroke her lovely hair and see what kind of response I get.
How about putting the face book online? That way I can do some prescreening to narrow down my lucky prospects. This could have the added benefit of being updated in real time as relationships come and go, reputations build, and bodies take a turn for the worse.
The information currently provided is useless. Do I really care where someone went to school or worked? Do I care what someone looked like at their high school graduation or before they lost their hair and gave up on fitness? Let's reveal the real us, not this façade we put on to get into Camp Cornell. I want to know about you, the true you, the one that goes out and drinks, the one that slurs and leans on me as you beg me to spot you for one more round. I need pertinent information. Can you get me a job? Are you available? Do you have better-looking friends you could set me up with who are available? And at the end of the day, what it really comes down to are your guns and skill set. What are you bringing to the table? Will I have to take all the initiative or are you a frisky little kitty?
I don't mean to complain because it has been useful, though one thing has been bugging me. What are those asterisks for? Do they designate "special" kids? Are they desperately looking for wuv? Or are they damaged goods carrying some baggage that I should get the inside scoop on from Shelbi before pursuing?
Oh, and for those of you with the stretched faces, sorry but sucks to be you.