Dear Daxen
By Van Daxen JGSM '10
Issue date: 5/1/09 Section: Features
Hey there, Johnsonians. It's the last issue of the year. I wanted to take the opportunity to thank the second-years for their help and guidance through the first year of school and wish them well on their journeys. I also wanted to say that I'm looking forward to being an all-knowing second year student. Have a question for the CMC? "Did you ask a second year?" Not sure if your resume is presentable? "Did you ask a second year?" Struggling with an accounting principle? "DID YOU ASK A SECOND YEAR!?" And of course, having trouble with bed wetting? Naturally, I asked a second year. I can't wait for next year's students to look to me for guidance and support. They're not going to know what hit them. I'd love to get reader feedback on the column going forward next year, so as always: van.daxen@gmail.com bring it. TO THE E-MAILS!
Q: My employer says I don't get to start my job until January 2010 now because of "the economy." But I have student loans, I already spent my signing bonus on a down payment for my sweet new one bedroom, walk-up condo in NYC, and my girlfriend is chomping at the bit for an engagement ring! What do I do?! --Banker in Need of a Bridge Loan
Dear Banker, Are you sure that you're not starting your job until January because of the "economy?" Is this their nice way of saying "It's not you, it's me?" Something to consider. Regardless, anyone knows that if you're going into banking these days, the thing you need to get really good at, and I mean ALL-STAR good at, is asking the government for money. Sure, you could fill out the required paperwork at the unemployment office and get your government assistance, but where's the panache in that? Start your own bank. Report losses. Go to Capitol Hill and beg for money like a self-respecting banker. Between now and then practice your "sincere" look and your "populist outrage sympathy." I do not recommend the Dick Fuld method of asking, "Where's our bailout?" Instead, to double your chances of success, tell Congress that you're not only a bank, but a bank for the automobile industry. Cha-ching. Sure, you might have some oversight, but you can waive that oversight by hiring some union workers. We all know that no self-respecting Democrat controlled White House and Congress is going to watch a union job go down the tubes. So, start a bank, call it the Big Three Savings, hire union employees and let those TARP funds come rolling in. Makes you wonder if all that effort in Core Finance and Biloski's "Meet the Street" weekends were really worth it, huh?
Q: I've taken MLO and now I'm ready to be the king of the corporate jungle! But does that Machiavellian kind of stuff really work in the cubicle maze of corporate America? --Orit Clendenin Fuld
Dear MLO Protagonist Conglomerate, YES YOU CAN! Leadership education can only be had in the classroom environment, and now that you've had that, you are prepared to be the next CEO of whatever industry you're going into (from the sound of the name, maybe a Consulting Duplication Financing company?). There are people who will tell you that leadership is learned through experience, and they would be wrong. Leadership can not only be learned, it can be learned in seven weeks (broken up between two and five week intervals). If you don't have seven weeks to dedicate to becoming a leader, I imagine going to Barnes and Noble and sitting down for a few hours with a book from the Leadership section will make you adequate (real leaders don't buy their books, they just read them while they're in the store). When you reach the CEO ranks of course you'll be asked to come back and share your insights with The Johnson School community. I hope that you'll be sure to let them know that the key to your success wasn't what you'd done prior to business school, but that it was the seven weeks (two weeks and then five) that made you the decision maker you are today. Go get 'em, Machiavelli. Make us proud.
Q: I have a really big crush on a CIPA student but I don't think she takes MBAs seriously. Any advice? --MBA Hound Dog
Dear Hound Dog, first off, I'd like to commend you for venturing outside The Great Johnson School Petrie Dish of Relationships into the greater grad school community. I totally get the CIPA draw as well: passionate, well read, wants to save the world, but not smart enough to get into law school (which means not TOO smart). I dig it. What you have to realize here is that she's just playing hard to get. I'm sure she's telling the law school guys that she doesn't take lawyers seriously, and she'd tell any ILRers that she doesn't take ILR seriously (really how can you?). What it boils down to is that she's trying to flip the table on you. The Johnson School is ranked number eleven in the Business Week rankings. Cornell Law is number ten. ILR? Who cares where they're ranked, though I hear decently. CIPA? In the thirties below Arizona State (which is just a glorified Community College). She's putting you on the spot because of her school's lack of rigor. If you want to impress her, tell her that you can show her the NPV of policy decisions and the ramifications on GDP of the fluffy policy she's been laboring over all semester. Dazzle her with mathematics and Excel-two areas that I'm sure she's not familiar with. Ask her if she wants to be the Hillary Clinton to your Bill (or maybe Nancy to your Ron, but my guess is that there aren't too many that swing that way roaming the CIPA halls).
Q: I took the first (and only) internship offer that I got. Now I'm dreading the summer. Any advice? -Dreading the Summer
Dear Dreading, My guess is that you're a straight-through, because no one who's had life punch them in the face a couple of times would complain about having a paid internship in this economy. My advice? Suck it up, Buttercup. Let me tell you about my internship hunt, mind you, it's still ongoing. During the fall, three of my dream postings came through the CMC: Dunder-Mifflin, Pita Pit, and Collegetown Videos.
So, I dropped for them. I didn't drop for ANYTHING ELSE. I waited and waited. Finally, unable to take it anymore, I walked down to Collegetown Videos and asked the proprietor how his search for an intern was going. He looked at me with a pained, quizzical look on his face, like he didn't know what I was talking about. I explained the CMC posting and my interest in his company. He laughed and said that he didn't know what I was talking about and that he wouldn't be able to hire anyone for the summer because all the college kids are out of town and his business drops off. Imagine my shock. Sensing a problem, I immediately walked over to the Pita Pit. SAME THING! Not only couldn't I get an internship with these companies, I COULDN'T GET HIRED TO WORK THE FRONT COUNTERS!! My last desperate hope is that Dunder-Mifflin will get back to me before the summer begins. I've tried to find their phone number to follow up and maybe "leverage my network," and I know they have phones because I see that hot receptionist answering phones every week on TV.
I'm totally hosed here. So, don't come to me complaining about your lone internship offer and acceptance. Be happy that you have something to put on your resume. I'm trying to find a nice way to spin "Picked lint out of my belly button all summer."
Q: Alright, Van. It's the end of the year, and I have to know who you are before I graduate. Spill it. -Dying to Know
Dear Dying, Ben Franklin once said that the only way that two people can keep a secret is if one of them dies. With that in mind, my real identity has been a closely held secret. Mostly so I could poke fun at faculty and fellow students without having to worry about getting stabbed in the lunch line (you can't imagine how many people run around here with "shivs"). I'm not totally comfortable giving my name, but I'll give you some of my background which will contain hints and let you junior sleuths out there put the pieces together:
I hope the hints help you out. I've had a great time answering your inquiries this year and look forward to your post-summer questions. Enjoy your summer and try not to come back with anything you didn't leave with, if you know what I mean.
Q: My employer says I don't get to start my job until January 2010 now because of "the economy." But I have student loans, I already spent my signing bonus on a down payment for my sweet new one bedroom, walk-up condo in NYC, and my girlfriend is chomping at the bit for an engagement ring! What do I do?! --Banker in Need of a Bridge Loan
Dear Banker, Are you sure that you're not starting your job until January because of the "economy?" Is this their nice way of saying "It's not you, it's me?" Something to consider. Regardless, anyone knows that if you're going into banking these days, the thing you need to get really good at, and I mean ALL-STAR good at, is asking the government for money. Sure, you could fill out the required paperwork at the unemployment office and get your government assistance, but where's the panache in that? Start your own bank. Report losses. Go to Capitol Hill and beg for money like a self-respecting banker. Between now and then practice your "sincere" look and your "populist outrage sympathy." I do not recommend the Dick Fuld method of asking, "Where's our bailout?" Instead, to double your chances of success, tell Congress that you're not only a bank, but a bank for the automobile industry. Cha-ching. Sure, you might have some oversight, but you can waive that oversight by hiring some union workers. We all know that no self-respecting Democrat controlled White House and Congress is going to watch a union job go down the tubes. So, start a bank, call it the Big Three Savings, hire union employees and let those TARP funds come rolling in. Makes you wonder if all that effort in Core Finance and Biloski's "Meet the Street" weekends were really worth it, huh?
Q: I've taken MLO and now I'm ready to be the king of the corporate jungle! But does that Machiavellian kind of stuff really work in the cubicle maze of corporate America? --Orit Clendenin Fuld
Dear MLO Protagonist Conglomerate, YES YOU CAN! Leadership education can only be had in the classroom environment, and now that you've had that, you are prepared to be the next CEO of whatever industry you're going into (from the sound of the name, maybe a Consulting Duplication Financing company?). There are people who will tell you that leadership is learned through experience, and they would be wrong. Leadership can not only be learned, it can be learned in seven weeks (broken up between two and five week intervals). If you don't have seven weeks to dedicate to becoming a leader, I imagine going to Barnes and Noble and sitting down for a few hours with a book from the Leadership section will make you adequate (real leaders don't buy their books, they just read them while they're in the store). When you reach the CEO ranks of course you'll be asked to come back and share your insights with The Johnson School community. I hope that you'll be sure to let them know that the key to your success wasn't what you'd done prior to business school, but that it was the seven weeks (two weeks and then five) that made you the decision maker you are today. Go get 'em, Machiavelli. Make us proud.
Q: I have a really big crush on a CIPA student but I don't think she takes MBAs seriously. Any advice? --MBA Hound Dog
Dear Hound Dog, first off, I'd like to commend you for venturing outside The Great Johnson School Petrie Dish of Relationships into the greater grad school community. I totally get the CIPA draw as well: passionate, well read, wants to save the world, but not smart enough to get into law school (which means not TOO smart). I dig it. What you have to realize here is that she's just playing hard to get. I'm sure she's telling the law school guys that she doesn't take lawyers seriously, and she'd tell any ILRers that she doesn't take ILR seriously (really how can you?). What it boils down to is that she's trying to flip the table on you. The Johnson School is ranked number eleven in the Business Week rankings. Cornell Law is number ten. ILR? Who cares where they're ranked, though I hear decently. CIPA? In the thirties below Arizona State (which is just a glorified Community College). She's putting you on the spot because of her school's lack of rigor. If you want to impress her, tell her that you can show her the NPV of policy decisions and the ramifications on GDP of the fluffy policy she's been laboring over all semester. Dazzle her with mathematics and Excel-two areas that I'm sure she's not familiar with. Ask her if she wants to be the Hillary Clinton to your Bill (or maybe Nancy to your Ron, but my guess is that there aren't too many that swing that way roaming the CIPA halls).
Q: I took the first (and only) internship offer that I got. Now I'm dreading the summer. Any advice? -Dreading the Summer
Dear Dreading, My guess is that you're a straight-through, because no one who's had life punch them in the face a couple of times would complain about having a paid internship in this economy. My advice? Suck it up, Buttercup. Let me tell you about my internship hunt, mind you, it's still ongoing. During the fall, three of my dream postings came through the CMC: Dunder-Mifflin, Pita Pit, and Collegetown Videos.
So, I dropped for them. I didn't drop for ANYTHING ELSE. I waited and waited. Finally, unable to take it anymore, I walked down to Collegetown Videos and asked the proprietor how his search for an intern was going. He looked at me with a pained, quizzical look on his face, like he didn't know what I was talking about. I explained the CMC posting and my interest in his company. He laughed and said that he didn't know what I was talking about and that he wouldn't be able to hire anyone for the summer because all the college kids are out of town and his business drops off. Imagine my shock. Sensing a problem, I immediately walked over to the Pita Pit. SAME THING! Not only couldn't I get an internship with these companies, I COULDN'T GET HIRED TO WORK THE FRONT COUNTERS!! My last desperate hope is that Dunder-Mifflin will get back to me before the summer begins. I've tried to find their phone number to follow up and maybe "leverage my network," and I know they have phones because I see that hot receptionist answering phones every week on TV.
I'm totally hosed here. So, don't come to me complaining about your lone internship offer and acceptance. Be happy that you have something to put on your resume. I'm trying to find a nice way to spin "Picked lint out of my belly button all summer."
Q: Alright, Van. It's the end of the year, and I have to know who you are before I graduate. Spill it. -Dying to Know
Dear Dying, Ben Franklin once said that the only way that two people can keep a secret is if one of them dies. With that in mind, my real identity has been a closely held secret. Mostly so I could poke fun at faculty and fellow students without having to worry about getting stabbed in the lunch line (you can't imagine how many people run around here with "shivs"). I'm not totally comfortable giving my name, but I'll give you some of my background which will contain hints and let you junior sleuths out there put the pieces together:
- I grew up in Akron, Ohio and played golf at the University of Miami (the one without the hot girls).
- I got my PhD at Northwestern.
- In my spare time, I'm the equivalent of the head of the SEC for Israel.
- I have ridiculously long fingers and the women of the EPE immersion LOVE me.
- I actually took an immersion this year (MFI doesn't count as an immersion this year due to their criminally poor mismanagement).
- I live vicariously through myself.
I hope the hints help you out. I've had a great time answering your inquiries this year and look forward to your post-summer questions. Enjoy your summer and try not to come back with anything you didn't leave with, if you know what I mean.
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