Dear Daxen
By Van Daxen JGSM '10
Issue date: 9/9/09 Section: Features
Welcome back, Class of 2010, and welcome, Class of 2011! For those who know, I'm Van Daxen. For who that don't know, I'm pretty much the best thing you're going to read in this CBJ rag. Unless you yourself have written something in this thing, my article is pretty much the first place you should turn. And the second. Maybe the third. The rules are simple: send me an e-mail with a question; I'll answer. E-mail address is van.daxen@gmail.com. Pretty simple stuff-anonymity guaranteed. Before I get to the e-mails, I want to make a comment regarding the Class of 2011's hunt for "700." Rumor has it that Randall Sawyer paid one of the Indian students to go re-take his/her GMAT to bring it up from a 790 to an 800. Weak-sauce. Right off the bat, I'm starting to think you don't have what it takes to stand the academic rigor of this esteemed institution. However, since your methods appear to be underhanded and shady, with a complete disregard for social norms and generally accepted methods of fair play, I'm confident you will do well in the business world. Grades don't matter anyway. No one will ever ask. To the e-mails!
Dear Van,
I'm a first year student, terribly frightened by orientation. I am typically a shy person and didn't realize business school was an extroverted fraternity of functioning alcoholics. Where did I go wrong? -ShyGuy
Dear ShyGuy,
The orientation SHOULD frighten you. That's what it's designed to do. Myers-Briggs tests, LinkedIn introductions, Mo-Kai, the guy who spent time in the clink and comes to tell you to be ethical…it's all designed to instill fear. The Johnson School tears you down to build you back up again. One of the ways that they build you back up again is through the excessive use of alcohol. Embrace it. Sure, you might not want to pound a beer before class, or have an "eye-opener" when you wake up in the morning, but you might find that your group projects at 8 p.m. on Tuesday night could use a little liquid lubricant to get the ideas flowing. In my experience, shy people become extroverted once they've had five, ten, twenty drinks. So, if you want to fit in, drink up. Where you went wrong was not embracing things earlier. Sure, you could have gone to medical school and have been surrounded by alcoholic, shy nerds. But you came to business school, surrounding yourself with alcoholic, extroverted nerds.
Dear Van,
I had no idea that there were such things as Leadership Fellows! Wow! Please tell me which course I can take so that I can also become a certified leader! -Aspiring to Lead Horses to Water
Dear Aspiring,
I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but you can actually CONCENTRATE in leadership here at The Johnson School! It's one of those depth or breadth concentrations just announced, I believe. Because, everyone knows that real leaders aren't born, or made from experience, but transform by reading a lot about people who've led. Prior to business school, were you a military veteran? An entrepreneur who started his/her own business? Someone who held a position in the business world that required you to "lead" more than twenty people? Pish. Your experience means nothing. You must READ about leadership. What's more, you have to get ridiculously good grades. That's how you signal your ability to lead and manage others. After completing this, take two LSP's on a Thursday and Friday before second-year classes start, and you're a certified leader. Go get 'em, Tiger; show them what you can do.
Dear Van,
I'm a returning second-year student who was forced to do things he didn't want to do during his internship. I feel like a little piece of my soul is lost and gone forever. How do I get the stink off my body and return to normal life? -Dirty in Seattle
Dear Dirty,
I guess it depends. Was this a paid or unpaid internship? If it was paid, your soul remains in tact because you were compensated for your efforts. If this was one of those unpaid opportunities, you're in trouble. Since you're a second-year student, you're not able to take the SGE immersion to get your soul back. I might consider dropping out of school to show how much you "really, really care" about ethics. You know what else you could consider: signing the MBA Oath. That would ensure that you would never again do anything that might be construed as unethical or immoral. Of course, by signing it you're also saying that you don't care about creating value in your organization for your shareholders. So, you're kind of riding a double-edged sword in that respect.
Dear Van,
I'm a first-year MBA student looking for a list of things I have to do before I graduate from The Johnson School. Can you help me out? -Need Lists to Have Fun
Dear Needs,
Here's my best shot:
These are just off the top of my head. I'll think about it a little more and get back with you off line.
Dear Van,
I'm a first year student, terribly frightened by orientation. I am typically a shy person and didn't realize business school was an extroverted fraternity of functioning alcoholics. Where did I go wrong? -ShyGuy
Dear ShyGuy,
The orientation SHOULD frighten you. That's what it's designed to do. Myers-Briggs tests, LinkedIn introductions, Mo-Kai, the guy who spent time in the clink and comes to tell you to be ethical…it's all designed to instill fear. The Johnson School tears you down to build you back up again. One of the ways that they build you back up again is through the excessive use of alcohol. Embrace it. Sure, you might not want to pound a beer before class, or have an "eye-opener" when you wake up in the morning, but you might find that your group projects at 8 p.m. on Tuesday night could use a little liquid lubricant to get the ideas flowing. In my experience, shy people become extroverted once they've had five, ten, twenty drinks. So, if you want to fit in, drink up. Where you went wrong was not embracing things earlier. Sure, you could have gone to medical school and have been surrounded by alcoholic, shy nerds. But you came to business school, surrounding yourself with alcoholic, extroverted nerds.
Dear Van,
I had no idea that there were such things as Leadership Fellows! Wow! Please tell me which course I can take so that I can also become a certified leader! -Aspiring to Lead Horses to Water
Dear Aspiring,
I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but you can actually CONCENTRATE in leadership here at The Johnson School! It's one of those depth or breadth concentrations just announced, I believe. Because, everyone knows that real leaders aren't born, or made from experience, but transform by reading a lot about people who've led. Prior to business school, were you a military veteran? An entrepreneur who started his/her own business? Someone who held a position in the business world that required you to "lead" more than twenty people? Pish. Your experience means nothing. You must READ about leadership. What's more, you have to get ridiculously good grades. That's how you signal your ability to lead and manage others. After completing this, take two LSP's on a Thursday and Friday before second-year classes start, and you're a certified leader. Go get 'em, Tiger; show them what you can do.
Dear Van,
I'm a returning second-year student who was forced to do things he didn't want to do during his internship. I feel like a little piece of my soul is lost and gone forever. How do I get the stink off my body and return to normal life? -Dirty in Seattle
Dear Dirty,
I guess it depends. Was this a paid or unpaid internship? If it was paid, your soul remains in tact because you were compensated for your efforts. If this was one of those unpaid opportunities, you're in trouble. Since you're a second-year student, you're not able to take the SGE immersion to get your soul back. I might consider dropping out of school to show how much you "really, really care" about ethics. You know what else you could consider: signing the MBA Oath. That would ensure that you would never again do anything that might be construed as unethical or immoral. Of course, by signing it you're also saying that you don't care about creating value in your organization for your shareholders. So, you're kind of riding a double-edged sword in that respect.
Dear Van,
I'm a first-year MBA student looking for a list of things I have to do before I graduate from The Johnson School. Can you help me out? -Need Lists to Have Fun
Dear Needs,
Here's my best shot:
- Hook up with an undergrad at Johnny O's (or The Palms, Dino's, or her dorm room).
- Hook up with a member of your core team in one of the breakout rooms (don't worry…it's happened; we all know about it).
- Get excessively drunk during a Sage Social and ask Professor Michaely if you can "touch the guns." (One off from this: same Sage Social, follow Professor Libby around yelling "I SEE CASH! I SEE CASH!")
- Have the Vegetarian Bagel at CTB. I'm a Meataterian, and I love it.
- Enter a Case Competition, do well, have the company fly you out to its location to present, and when you get up in front of the masses, state, "My name is "X," and I'm looking for a job. Can you help me with that?"
- Go to the Fall Creek bar just once (and only once because I don't want to run into a bunch of first-years every time I'm trying to drink away my problems).
- See if you can join the Coffee Shop Cult on the Commons. Take it as far as you can before you're actually IN the cult…report back.
- Go to Moosewoods, and order a steak.
- E-mail me with a question at Van.Daxen@gmail.com.
These are just off the top of my head. I'll think about it a little more and get back with you off line.
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