Dear Daxen
By Van Daxen JGSM '10
Issue date: 12/1/09 Section: Features
Has anyone heard a funny blue thong joke lately? I know I have. Thanks to the readers that passed along the highlights, it was enjoyable. However, I feel the target too easy and overdone to address in my last Van Daxen column (save for this-to the Indian student that e-mailed me: you know who you are…no, you do not need a blue thong to attract an American man, just an e-mail address and apparently the ability to tickle). That's right, next month another mystery writer will take over the column. I'm glad to see an idea hatched in the Atrium will live in perpetuity. Thanks to everyone who's written in. TO THE E-MAILS!!!
Dear Daxen,
Speaking of emails, did you happen to catch Fred Staudmyer's email to every CMC industry contact? Where the hell was this when I started the job search?! If I'd KNOWN there was a connection at Google or Disney, I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to sell my soul to the consulting industry. In fact, last year when I asked about the NBA, I was told the CMC couldn't help me. Apparently, I just needed an e-mail outage for the CMC to reach out to non-traditional companies on my behalf to let them know that the e-mail they never sent me because I didn't know about them never got to my inbox due to a "power outage" that brought down the server. -Fighting The Urge to Reply to All
Dear Fighting:
Don't fight the urge. Do it. Find the contacts at the companies with which you missed an opportunity and carpet bomb them with e-mails, resumes, cover letters, inane updates about your finance quiz scores, thank you letters for having their Exchange servers accept your e-mails (apparently a luxury), thank you letters for deleting your previous e-mails, apology letters for not getting back to them quickly enough, apology letters for accepting another offer, and a note hoping that you can contact them in the future when you're looking to jump back into industry. Essentially, you should make up for lost time. These recruiters have been cheated out of hundreds of e-mails, and as a school it's our imperative to ensure that we maintain connections with these recruiters. It helps the "brand." Get to it!
Dear Van,
Does adultery cause power outages? -Electrical Engineer Drop-Out
Dear EE Drop-Out:
Alright, I said I wasn't going to talk about THE E-MAIL, but this is a separate issue that deserves discussion. I agree-the timing of multiple e-mail outages due to "power failures" and "critical server updates" is suspect. It would appear to anyone with common sense that a system that hasn't suffered a major outage in at least the past two years and suddenly suffers one following a public "scandal" (if you will) could be interpreted as causal, not coincidental. If the goal were to scrub the inboxes, what's the good? If the goal were to find out who was forwarding the e-mail, the answer's easy: EVERYONE. If the goal were to recall all of the e-mails, well, that goose had already been shot out of the cannon. A better remedy if the goal were containment? Perhaps a staff workshop on the use of "Reply," "Reply to All," and checking the "To" field before hitting send. Tickle, tickle.
The next letter is given in its entirety-my comments/notes in italics.
Dear Van,
I enjoyed reading the etiquette section of the CBJ last issue. However, as a more simple-minded MBA who laughs on the inside at the empty shell-of-a-human-being the "suit-wearers" all are, I had a few etiquette questions that are more geared toward my walk of life. Seeing how Brandon and Zachry are from Texas, I thought it would be best to write to you instead for advice.
1) If students have stopped in the middle of the main stairwell to the basement-I mean, "classroom floor"-to talk, is it okay for me to push them down the stairs violently?
YES!!! Can we all agree that it's an act of momentary retardation to stop and talk on the stairwell that's wide enough for 2.5 people to walk up and down? Let's band together to stop this grave injustice. Next time someone stops in front of you on the stairwell, go WWE on them. Violence solves everything that money doesn't.
2) I love chicken fingers. I eat them all the time, especially when the ole' nagging ball-and-chain is away for some special "recruiting event" in NYC, where she meets up a "friend" and stays the entire weekend with "her." However, I noticed that in a group setting, chicken fingers are the exact opposite of good-time culinary fun because of the double-dip faux pas. How can I double and triple dip to my heart's content while striving to maintain the positive perceptions my peers have for me? I tried the old "bite and flip," but since I don't normally wash my hands, I'm not sure how effective this is.
Dude, tear and dip! You can make one chicken tender into ten little chicken bits. What's better than dipping twice? Dipping ten times! Plus, in your ravenous dipping frenzy, you don't have to talk with anyone, especially your ball-and-chain or her "friends" at the "recruiting event."
3) When a student "accidentally" gets up from a table in the atrium, and his/her chair falls over making a deafening crash due to the acoustic anomalies of the atrium, which can even be heard in the basement level, can I push said person, or at least point and laugh at a highly audible level?
Another area where we as the Johnson School community should agree to act as one. The next time someone in the Atrium drops his/her chair/book/computer and creates a deafening bang throughout, can we all agree to give that person a standing ovation until he/she leaves the Atrium? I've noticed that disproportionately, these people tend to be undergrads, so really we'd be killing two birds with one stone: ridding the Atrium of undergrads (unless they're hot girls) and making a publicly embarrassing situation even more so.
4) How do I "shake hands" (read: "high-five") with my friends at Sage Socials when I always seem to have two drinks in tow? Is it okay to "surrogate" my pre-wife to high-five for me?
Two words: Bash Brothers. A little elbow bump lets the other person know that you're a "guy's guy," and at the same time you get to still enjoy your tasty adult beverages and finger foods. Besides, you don't want your pre-wife touching any of the guys at the Johnson School…bunch of filthy buggers.
5) Everyone knows there is a "lost-in-translation" when it comes to e-mail etiquette. For whatever reason, it is beyond the grasp of many MBAs to realize that sending an e-mail with the word "Selling" or "For Sale" in the subject line should surprisingly be sent out to JSForSale and not JSMisc. What is a three-pronged approach for addressing this problem? I'm not really a violent person, but I already have a rice cooker...
First, reply to all pointing out the person's mistake. Public shame is an effective tool to correct bad behavior. Second, EVERYONE e-mail a Reply to All (the only time it IS okay to hit Reply to All, folks) chastising the person for not using the right list. Third, locate Andrew Davis immediately, and get seven to ten feet distance, as his head may explode trying to reply to each Reply to All with a witty quip. Killing two birds with hundreds of stones.
6) If the AMBAs were all thrown in the middle of nowhere, far from any establishment, and I am the only other living being within miles and miles, is it okay to look the other way and continue on my merry way?
We have AMBAs?
I would love to hear your thoughts! -Desperately seeking guidance
Dear Daxen,
Speaking of emails, did you happen to catch Fred Staudmyer's email to every CMC industry contact? Where the hell was this when I started the job search?! If I'd KNOWN there was a connection at Google or Disney, I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to sell my soul to the consulting industry. In fact, last year when I asked about the NBA, I was told the CMC couldn't help me. Apparently, I just needed an e-mail outage for the CMC to reach out to non-traditional companies on my behalf to let them know that the e-mail they never sent me because I didn't know about them never got to my inbox due to a "power outage" that brought down the server. -Fighting The Urge to Reply to All
Dear Fighting:
Don't fight the urge. Do it. Find the contacts at the companies with which you missed an opportunity and carpet bomb them with e-mails, resumes, cover letters, inane updates about your finance quiz scores, thank you letters for having their Exchange servers accept your e-mails (apparently a luxury), thank you letters for deleting your previous e-mails, apology letters for not getting back to them quickly enough, apology letters for accepting another offer, and a note hoping that you can contact them in the future when you're looking to jump back into industry. Essentially, you should make up for lost time. These recruiters have been cheated out of hundreds of e-mails, and as a school it's our imperative to ensure that we maintain connections with these recruiters. It helps the "brand." Get to it!
Dear Van,
Does adultery cause power outages? -Electrical Engineer Drop-Out
Dear EE Drop-Out:
Alright, I said I wasn't going to talk about THE E-MAIL, but this is a separate issue that deserves discussion. I agree-the timing of multiple e-mail outages due to "power failures" and "critical server updates" is suspect. It would appear to anyone with common sense that a system that hasn't suffered a major outage in at least the past two years and suddenly suffers one following a public "scandal" (if you will) could be interpreted as causal, not coincidental. If the goal were to scrub the inboxes, what's the good? If the goal were to find out who was forwarding the e-mail, the answer's easy: EVERYONE. If the goal were to recall all of the e-mails, well, that goose had already been shot out of the cannon. A better remedy if the goal were containment? Perhaps a staff workshop on the use of "Reply," "Reply to All," and checking the "To" field before hitting send. Tickle, tickle.
The next letter is given in its entirety-my comments/notes in italics.
Dear Van,
I enjoyed reading the etiquette section of the CBJ last issue. However, as a more simple-minded MBA who laughs on the inside at the empty shell-of-a-human-being the "suit-wearers" all are, I had a few etiquette questions that are more geared toward my walk of life. Seeing how Brandon and Zachry are from Texas, I thought it would be best to write to you instead for advice.
1) If students have stopped in the middle of the main stairwell to the basement-I mean, "classroom floor"-to talk, is it okay for me to push them down the stairs violently?
YES!!! Can we all agree that it's an act of momentary retardation to stop and talk on the stairwell that's wide enough for 2.5 people to walk up and down? Let's band together to stop this grave injustice. Next time someone stops in front of you on the stairwell, go WWE on them. Violence solves everything that money doesn't.
2) I love chicken fingers. I eat them all the time, especially when the ole' nagging ball-and-chain is away for some special "recruiting event" in NYC, where she meets up a "friend" and stays the entire weekend with "her." However, I noticed that in a group setting, chicken fingers are the exact opposite of good-time culinary fun because of the double-dip faux pas. How can I double and triple dip to my heart's content while striving to maintain the positive perceptions my peers have for me? I tried the old "bite and flip," but since I don't normally wash my hands, I'm not sure how effective this is.
Dude, tear and dip! You can make one chicken tender into ten little chicken bits. What's better than dipping twice? Dipping ten times! Plus, in your ravenous dipping frenzy, you don't have to talk with anyone, especially your ball-and-chain or her "friends" at the "recruiting event."
3) When a student "accidentally" gets up from a table in the atrium, and his/her chair falls over making a deafening crash due to the acoustic anomalies of the atrium, which can even be heard in the basement level, can I push said person, or at least point and laugh at a highly audible level?
Another area where we as the Johnson School community should agree to act as one. The next time someone in the Atrium drops his/her chair/book/computer and creates a deafening bang throughout, can we all agree to give that person a standing ovation until he/she leaves the Atrium? I've noticed that disproportionately, these people tend to be undergrads, so really we'd be killing two birds with one stone: ridding the Atrium of undergrads (unless they're hot girls) and making a publicly embarrassing situation even more so.
4) How do I "shake hands" (read: "high-five") with my friends at Sage Socials when I always seem to have two drinks in tow? Is it okay to "surrogate" my pre-wife to high-five for me?
Two words: Bash Brothers. A little elbow bump lets the other person know that you're a "guy's guy," and at the same time you get to still enjoy your tasty adult beverages and finger foods. Besides, you don't want your pre-wife touching any of the guys at the Johnson School…bunch of filthy buggers.
5) Everyone knows there is a "lost-in-translation" when it comes to e-mail etiquette. For whatever reason, it is beyond the grasp of many MBAs to realize that sending an e-mail with the word "Selling" or "For Sale" in the subject line should surprisingly be sent out to JSForSale and not JSMisc. What is a three-pronged approach for addressing this problem? I'm not really a violent person, but I already have a rice cooker...
First, reply to all pointing out the person's mistake. Public shame is an effective tool to correct bad behavior. Second, EVERYONE e-mail a Reply to All (the only time it IS okay to hit Reply to All, folks) chastising the person for not using the right list. Third, locate Andrew Davis immediately, and get seven to ten feet distance, as his head may explode trying to reply to each Reply to All with a witty quip. Killing two birds with hundreds of stones.
6) If the AMBAs were all thrown in the middle of nowhere, far from any establishment, and I am the only other living being within miles and miles, is it okay to look the other way and continue on my merry way?
We have AMBAs?
I would love to hear your thoughts! -Desperately seeking guidance
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Research Paper Writer
posted 12/09/09 @ 6:49 AM EST
It is good advuce to find the contacts at the companies with which you missed an opportunity and carpet bomb them with e-mails on so on.
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